I recently realized a major oversight I made in my life in 2008, and I am humbled by how narrow my perception was of the goal I had so desperately wanted to achieve.
It’s funny that it’s taken almost 20 years to see that I actually got exactly what I wanted, but I just didn’t recognize it at the time. The things we desire may not come in the form we expect them.
When I was 28, I left behind my life in Portland with an overstuffed backpack and a one-way ticket to Costa Rica.
I had been saving money for years to embark on a trip around the world, and although my original travel partner backed out and my then-boyfriend was not interested in the voyage, I was determined to soldier on alone as this had become my life’s goal up to that point.
The intent of this trip was to see what else was out in the world for me.
I had been in Portland for 5 years and had finished my undergraduate degree and was feeling ready to see what came next. But by the time the trip was supposed to commence, things had shifted- my best friend was no longer coming and I was in a relationship, living comfortably with my partner and friends.
But this was my goal, and since I had at this point not considered any other future, I stuck to it and kept the plan moving forward.
What was I hoping to get out of this journey?
Aside from exploring and the sheer challenge of stepping out on my own, my honest hope was to get whisked away by a random opportunity. I had dreams of connecting with someone along my travels, stumbling upon some serendipitous situation and inspiring a move to some unknown place and getting a job, starting life afresh.
I was certain there was something else out there, just waiting for me to arrive. A parallel path, quietly unfolding, lying in wait for the right moment to present itself to me. I fantasized about this moment, or that meeting, that would open the door to the other world and push me to leave behind my Portland life for good, baiting me with an offer that was too good to pass up.
Looking back, I didn’t even know the logistics or legality of this dream at the time.
Can just anyone get a work visa and live and work anywhere? No, especially not for the kind of unspecialized work I was capable of, nor for the countries I was interested in.
What I can tell you is that I went on the trip, alone. And it was hard sometimes. Really, really hard. The moment I left Portland, I realized how good I had it and what a beautiful and unique place it was. I recall sobbing uncontrollably on the flight. I couldn’t pull myself together.
My partner and I had broken up technically, because I was leaving without an end in sight to my trip so it didn’t seem logical to stay together. But the love had still been there, and I was quickly realizing that leaving Portland behind, this life I had been taking for granted, was far harder than I expected.
I was fucking terrified as I flew thousands of miles in the opposite direction of everyone I knew.
I backpacked for 9 months. I spent the time bussing my way through Central and South America, and taking a flight from Panama to Colombia because I hadn’t realized that passing through the Darien gap was basically a death sentence (it is now a popular route for migrants who wish to cross the border but it is still considered extraordinarily dangerous).
My best friend, the one who was initially supposed to be on the trip with me, got pregnant, and I traveled back to Portland for the birth. Although I had intended to continue my travels around the world, I found myself more drawn to Portland than ever. I reconciled the end of my trip by going out and spending one month in Thailand, and then returning back to Portland to resume my life.
I came home disheartened that I hadn’t had the chance occurrence, the one that would catapult me to my new life abroad.
But I had such a community in Portland that the disappointment didn’t linger too long. I plugged back into my relationship, my friendships, my life. The timing wasn’t right, I told myself. It wasn’t meant to be.
Here I am, 17 years later, and I have no regrets about going on that trip, nor am I hung up on not having met this fateful stranger that would change the course of my life. I have since met my husband, now 12 years into our relationship, changed careers, and live a gloriously boring, rather uneventful yet splendid life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. We walk our dog, travel as much as we can, wash an endless stream of dishes, and are surrounded by the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for.
I’m not sure how it came up, but a few months ago it dawned on me that I actually had met the fateful stranger in my travels, and it has somehow taken me this long to realize it.
I didn’t recognize it at the time, because the opportunity looked nothing like I had imagined, so I had missed it completely.
I don’t recall now which city or even country I was in, but I was staying at a surf hostel and I met this Canadian guy who was also staying there. After getting to know each other, I learned that he managed a popular bar and restaurant in Vancouver, BC.
After getting to know him, he offered me a job at his restaurant if I came to BC. I had worked in bars and restaurants my entire adult life and he really liked my energy and thought I’d be a great fit with the team. I remember being excited at this prospect, and began researching the city, looking at rental properties and getting a sense of what life would be like in Vancouver.
I quickly learned Vancouver was an expensive city to live in, even in 2008. Portland was still affordable back then, and rental prices seemed astronomical in comparison.
I didn’t move to Vancouver to work in his restaurant.
Along my travels, I let him know that I unfortunately would not be taking him up on his generous offer.
Reflecting back, almost 20 years later, I got exactly what I had wanted- an opportunity to work in a foreign country, building a new life in a new place. But at the time, I didn’t see it that way because it was not what I had envisioned for this ‘life-changing’ experience abroad.
I don’t know what my fantasy was, but it turns out that what it wasn’t was working in a restaurant, in Canada instead of Portland.
I chuckle at my 28 year old self who had such a narrow view of her dream that she completely missed the opportunity that the world was handing her. It wasn’t different enough, far enough, maybe ‘important’ enough? I’m guessing that this version of me had aspirations to work at a non-profit in Ecuador, a hostel in Bolivia, or find her calling as a coffee-farmer or attendant at an animal sanctuary.
Working at a restaurant 500 miles north of Portland did not register on the ‘life-changing experience’ scale.
But had I taken this man up on his offer and relocated to Vancouver, wouldn’t the entire trajectory of my life have been completely different? Wouldn’t I have built new friendships, established myself in a country outside the US, changing my life in every single way?
Absolutely. My life today could be unrecognizable from what it is now.
Hell, I’d be a Canadian citizen at this point.
I’ve never regretted turning down the move to Vancouver. But this reflection has made me consider how much I, we, might be missing because our focus on certain outcomes is too narrow. I am constantly reminded to ‘see the forest for the trees’ by my husband, as I have a tendency to become laser-focused on the details while missing the beauty of the whole.
Turns out this has been a problem of mine for decades. And I’m choosing now not to dwell on all the ways in which I’ve likely endured disappointment in things that might have actually been wins that I just failed to see.
I can’t go back and shake my younger self, nudge her and whisper to her that her dreams actually did come true. I can’t tell her that ultimately it’s up to her whether she pushes past the fear of a more expensive city and make the move to Canada, even though the job and the location doesn’t look quite like she imagined.
What I can do is try my best to hold onto this moment of clarity, and expand my perception of the outcomes I am willing to accept. Things don’t have to be so black and white, yes or no, goal achieved vs. failure. PERFECTION.
The answers might be a little fuzzy around the edges, maybe all the details aren’t right, but the important ones are spot-on.
I just want to remember this when I find myself getting hung up on the details, when I’m tempted to reject something because it doesn’t match the picture in my head. I am only capable of imagining what I know or have ever seen, and that in itself, is limiting. I want to stay open to all the possibilities that exist, including the ones I haven’t yet had, felt, or even imagined to dream about.
