MENTAL WEALTH Archives - Carry On Better https://carryonbetter.com/category/mental-wealth/ A travel-forward approach to maximize your finances and level the fuck up Sat, 27 Jun 2026 18:51:49 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0 https://carryonbetter.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/cropped-carry-on-better-pink-glasses-logo-1-32x32.jpg MENTAL WEALTH Archives - Carry On Better https://carryonbetter.com/category/mental-wealth/ 32 32 On the Other Side of Fear https://carryonbetter.com/on-the-other-side-of-fear/ https://carryonbetter.com/on-the-other-side-of-fear/#respond Tue, 09 Jun 2026 01:42:51 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=4742 For someone who claims to be risk-averse, I recognize now that I’ve blown up my life more than a few […]

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]]> For someone who claims to be risk-averse, I recognize now that I’ve blown up my life more than a few times and taken some wild swings.

In January of 2008, I left the States with a one-way ticket to Costa Rica. My best friend and I had been planning an extensive trip around the globe and had been saving for years from our waitressing jobs at an iconic diner in NW Portland. Several months before our departure, she admitted she wasn’t in a place in her life to make the trip with me.

Alarmed and devastated, I shifted sights to my then-boyfriend who I thought might join me in her place. While at first there was interest, he soon admitted he wasn’t up for the trip either — he had a job that he loved and didn’t have the savings to support the adventure.

Canceling was not an option. I had been planning and talking about this trip for so long that it had become a core part of my identity. But despite my abject fear and hesitation, something inside me still urged me to go. In some ways I think I was relieved my boyfriend declined the offer to join.

We both knew this was my journey, my dream.

I was compelled by the belief the world had more to offer me, and I wanted to find whatever it was that was pulling me out of Portland.

My trip was indefinite — I had fantasies of meeting someone along my travels that would whisk me away to a new life in another country. I had hopes of taking a random job in a foreign land, making a home somewhere far from the Pacific Northwest. So while we were still in love and had been living together, with no intention of returning, it was only fair to break up before I left.

Armed with an iPod full of love songs he’d loaded up and a hand-written letter sealed in an envelope, we said our goodbyes to one another.

And so I left for my trip. Alone, and terrified out of my fucking mind.

It was 9 months before I came back to Portland.

In 2012, I left a 5 year relationship that had run its course (Yes, the same partner I left for my adventure). We lived together, had adopted a dog together, and I was enmeshed in his family’s life in ways that felt impossible to untangle. I was on the family phone plan and car insurance, I brunched with and took exercise classes with his mother regularly, and she routinely introduced me as her daughter-in-law. Although we were not yet engaged, eventual marriage was a given.

My boyfriend and I had grown apart and were in drastically different eras of our lives — I was barely keeping my head above water in grad school and he was working and making a music video for his friends’ band.

It’d been over a year since things were good, and efforts to repair or end the relationship were falling on deaf ears.

There was a fizzy black, sinking sensation in my chest when I accepted that this would be my life. It felt like someone had tied a knot at the end of a string and strung it through my chest, and I was getting pulled down and backwards through my own body. But instead of hitting the ground, I was freefalling into an infinite abyss inside myself, a black hole, but contained inside my own body, invisible to everyone else.

We would get married.

I would be miserable.

I wondered how things ended up this way. How had I ended up so powerless?

He didn’t want to break up, so he left me no choice.

I told him I was moving out, and blew up my life.

I was the girl that was never going to get married. I had fractured beliefs about love and trust and lacked the confidence in myself that I could love and lose, and survive that loss once I let someone in.

My mother’s marriage was more or less arranged — she was betrothed to my father, a doctor from a “good family.” By my mother’s account, she was never in love with him, and his philandering ways led her to leave him not once, but twice. They parted ways when I was three years old, officially divorced when I was 7, and my father never took interest in sharing custody of me.

He stopped paying child support the moment I turned 18.

“Never get married. Never have children” my mother once said to me while still in my youth. It felt more like a dirty secret, a folded up note she wished she could have passed to her younger self, not something said offhand to her own daughter.

In my 30’s, she asked if I’d have children. I repeated her very words back to her, and she had no recollection of what she had said to me.

Be careful what you say to your children.

Her warning had wormed into the recesses of my teenage mind and laid a sturdy foundation. They’d cast a long shadow, knee-capping my ability to love and trust another human.

I’ve spent decades trying to step out from that darkness.

Then I met my husband — online through OK Cupid, when internet dating was still pretty fringe and something to be feared. But we fell in love quickly. It was as if we had known each other forever, but at the same time filling a void in one another left open from crucial gaps in parenting.

We were engaged 4 months after we met. We got married weeks after our one year anniversary.

Letting someone in like this went against every instinct I had developed in my 31 years on this earth. My mother’s words lingered. My general mistrust of men permeated every facet of life. A four alarm fire raged inside me, my mind throwing red flags in every direction, desperately trying to get me to change course.

But something kept me there. I had my concerns — of course I did, as did my friends — but I somehow trusted I was doing the right thing.

Or at the very least, I had finally learned to trust myself that I would be able to survive the outcome if things went south.

None of these choices were easy or elegant. All of them were tumultuous in their own unique ways.

I spent the first 48 hours of my solo backpacking trip sobbing uncontrollably — on the plane clutching the letter, soggy from tears and listening to the iPod, or locked in my lodging in San Jose, paralyzed by what I had just embarked on. I had a happy home and boyfriend and wonderful friends in Portland — why did I feel the need to turn my life upside down?

When I left my 5 year relationship, I lost all of my friends in the aftermath. I’ll be the first to admit my departure was callous. We still continued to live together for several weeks after the breakup until my next apartment was ready and my happiness and relief from being free from the relationship was effusive. Some nights I didn’t come home.

I get why it was easy to hate me at that time. Our mutual friends sympathized with him who felt blindsided by the breakup, while I was beyond hurt that my friends — despite knowing how unhappy I was — saw me as the one doing all the wrong.

Early days of our marriage, some of the fights with my husband felt insurmountable. Two years in, we were still learning about each other — our habits and belief systems that differed gravely, and were things that would have been grounds for a breakup.

But we were already married.

What had I done?

While these experiences rattled my life in ways I never expected, what has resulted each time is a deepening trust in myself that I can do hard things.

I didn’t do these things bravely.

But I did them, eventually.

And while many parts were extremely unpleasant, I’m still here, and don’t regret any of the choices I made. I’d clean up the ways I executed some of them, but the outcomes would be the same.

I share this because my current fear is sharing my writing. Maybe it’s just a part of aging, but I can’t help but laugh that the thing striking fear and hesitation in my heart does not require flipping my life upside down, losing my friends or leaving the country, and yet it’s scaring the shit out of me.

For three years I paid for various domains and empty or half-cocked websites that sat unused. The urge to write simmered inconveniently in the background. Any time I read anything — a restaurant review, a novel, an op-ed, I felt myself bubble with envy and awe at the prose and deliciously descriptive words produced by the writer.

I can only imagine the look on my face when my mind wanders to the version of myself where I write full time. But my logical brain is an all-time MVP at smothering these petulant ideas, reminding me how unrealistic this life would be.

But then there she is, my child-self, tugging at my sleeve and begging me not to forget how much I love to write, have always loved to write. That it’s not too late, and I’m not too old, and just because there are so many talented writers in the world, it doesn’t mean I don’t get to try.

She has more kindness and patience for me than I do. I’m working diligently on letting her voice drown out my own — mine is doing me few favors lately.

I’ve been writing with regularity for the last year and a half. And yet, despite the enormous amount of time and energy dedicated to the writing, editing, struggling through website design and photography during travels, I remain pretty hush hush about my “personal project.”

I am terrified that my coworkers will discover my writing and giggle behind my back, or worse, find it sad and pathetic.

Turns out it’s actually the biggest fear holding me back.

I admit that I go so far as to hide my writing, if I’m being honest. People ask what I’m doing on my computer during my lunches and I say something elusive like, “taking care of business.” When I’m asked about my weekend, instead of admitting I was wading through the hell of redesigning my website, I just don’t mention it because I don’t want them to ask what my website is about.

But the reality is that my colleagues either don’t or won’t give two shits about what I’m doing, or will continue to be blissfully unaware of my writing.

And I’ll have no one to blame but myself if I don’t share my writing because I’m afraid that someone I share a workspace with might have a fleeting thought that my efforts are lame.

I can’t let other people have that much power over me. I am so infuriatingly aware that our world would be insufferable without variety and range — it’s what makes our lives worth living.

And yet here I am, stifling my own voice, insecure that there isn’t room for me.

But just like the younger versions of me, I can see myself on the other side of the fear. That me has found her voice and has been writing through her fear, letting it be a relatable part of her identity. Her self-doubt humanizes her, but she’s still moving forward with some level of confidence that she has something worth saying, that there is room in this world for her.

It’s not all going to be good. Not at all.

But, at least, statistically, it can’t all be bad?

Here’s hoping.

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]]> https://carryonbetter.com/on-the-other-side-of-fear/feed/ 0 Slow Down, You’re Gonna Miss Your One Precious Life https://carryonbetter.com/slow-down-youre-gonna-miss-your-one-precious-life/ Sun, 26 Apr 2026 00:12:08 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=4496 I find myself rushing around often, and wanting things to fit into the designated shapes of expectation that I have […]

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]]> I find myself rushing around often, and wanting things to fit into the designated shapes of expectation that I have of them. Nowhere does this show up more embarrassingly than when I travel. But then I realize — often too late — I’m missing so much. Nothing is guaranteed except for right fucking now, and here I am wasting this one precious life hung up on details that don’t matter.

I need to stop, slow down, and be in my life.

It’s taken me over a month, but I appreciate my time in Los Cerritos now in ways I overlooked when I was physically there.

I will be the first to admit that I took some issue with the tiny beach community, frustrated that it didn’t fit my mold of what a vacation in Mexico “looked” like. And by that I mean my expectation that things would be cheaper than at home in Portland.

Los Cerritos is tiny — technically just an area within El Pescadero in Baja Sur. The roads to the beach are unpaved and bumpy as hell. Building anything out here is a feat, let alone a sprawling hotel that now sits abandoned but remains an iconic marker of Los Cerritos beach. But it’s this very isolation that makes this beach so relaxing, remote, and well, maybe expensive.

While I have to give myself grace — the dollar had plummeted since I last checked the currency, from 25 to 17 pesos to the dollar — I see now that I let the poor exchange rate color my entire experience. I’m not proud, at all, but I’ve lived the majority of my life dictated by the price of things. I tend to conjure acceptable prices for things and experiences, and they unfortunately play a strong role in my assessment of their value.

But who the fuck am I to bestow a valuation on things and experiences I know nothing about?

When I become so singularly focused on one element — say, the cost of a meal, the value of a taco — I miss everything else about the experience. And that is a fucking waste. What am I even traveling for if not to take it all in?

I did this recently with a particularly expensive meal out with friends. I grumbled for days about the upcoming birthday brunch, and it took me until the day of to remind myself that the meal could actually be brilliant and the company of my girlfriends was a slam dunk — so what the fuck am I even complaining about?

The meal was expensive, sure. But you know what? We laughed uncontrollably for two straight hours and made a terrible mess trying to eat as much seafood as we could manage to get our money’s worth.

On my deathbed, I will think of our special outfits we planned for the “ladies that luncheon” birthday meal and think nothing of the cost.

What I failed to appreciate about Los Cerritos was the very thing I went there for in the first place: fresh sea air and the ability to slow the fuck down. Instead, when I touched down on the beach, I became so wrapped up in the additional cost of the stay with the shift in the exchange rate — and clung to this injustice like an ungrateful hose beast and rode that thing all the way home.

Over the past month, retracing my steps through Los Cerritos while writing reviews of my favorite stops, I sort of fell in love with the community — albeit on a long delay. Removed from the immediate sticker shock and recounting the energy of some of the business owners I met there, I am enchanted with Los Cerritos and would like another chance to visit with a fresh perspective.

And next time I won’t bat an eye if a business is closed when their hours say otherwise. Not everyone is beholden to capitalism the way American society is. Living in America has warped my conception of professionalism and the tenets of a good life — the idea that opening late or closing up shop early to rest and rejuvenate translates to hours not making profit. We move through the world gripped with fear and “what ifs” and the belief that there is not enough for all of us, so whoever is left standing wins.

We will do this, over and over, and then we die.

The end.

Jesus fucking christ, what a scam.

So we better slow down. We better pause and take note of what we are in such a hurry for — because last I checked, whatever I’m rushing toward looks like a whole lot of nothing that special up ahead.

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]]> The Ideas That Helped Me Rethink Time, Money, Energy and Self https://carryonbetter.com/the-ideas-that-helped-me-rethink-time-money-energy-and-self/ Wed, 24 Dec 2025 00:51:50 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=3720 I hope that as you reflect on the past year, you take the time to appreciate how you’ve changed, where […]

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]]> I hope that as you reflect on the past year, you take the time to appreciate how you’ve changed, where you’ve grown, and noted areas of your life where you wish to push yourself a little further.

As the year rounds out, I’m thinking about all the ways my life has changed —the perspectives, frameworks, and mindsets that helped get me here, and how different they feel from where I was just a year ago. Many of my beliefs have shifted significantly, and that wouldn’t have been possible without the great authors, thinkers, and speakers whose work I’ve been drinking in along the way.

The articles, podcasts, and books below have made great impacts on me and I wanted to take the opportunity to share them. These perspectives helped shift my frameworks, explore more deeply elements I hadn’t previously considered, and rethink how I allocate my time, money, and energy.

Many of these ideas stretched my ability to think about certain topics—especially in areas where I had been rigid or quick to reject perspectives that didn’t align with how I’d always thought. What I’ve come to recognize is that much of my thinking for most of my life was rooted in fear in attempts to keep myself “safe.”

Our brains are wired to protect us by keeping us within what we know and shielding us from the unknown. But the unknown is where growth happens—where we test ourselves, become a little bolder, and expand what we believe is possible.

That process isn’t always comfortable. It doesn’t always feel safe, and it isn’t always successful. But what I’ve been grateful to learn is that through discomfort, there has been real growth. I’ve been able to reshape beliefs I once held tightly and move towards things I previously shied away from.

As the year comes to an end, I’m thankful to see how far I’ve come—not just to set goals for the year ahead, but to acknowledge the growth that’s already happened. It hasn’t been a smooth ride, but it also wasn’t as hard as I once made myself believe.

This is by no way a comprehensive list—just a simple end-of-year roundup. I’ve categorized these resources in a way that I hope is helpful. Maybe something here helps you find a new angle, a mindset reset, or a system that supports what you’re working toward next year.

Progress isn’t linear, and even when it doesn’t feel like much is changing, looking back often reveals just how far you’ve come. Be proud of yourself for everything you’ve become this year, for all the efforts you’ve been putting in. And if you need a little motivation or a reminder of your worth, there’s a wealth of support below to help you inch a little bit closer to the version of yourself you want to become.

Mindset

Self-Talk and Self-Worth

  • Dr. Ethan Kross
  • Dr. Ethan Kross discusses the harmful impacts of negative self-talk and how we can retrain ourselves to turn rumination into positive self-coaching in his interview with Mel Robbins: How to Stop Negative Thoughts and Reset Your Mind for Positive Thinking.
  • Brene Brown
  • Brene Brown uncovers her own vulnerability when she discovers that shame and issues with self-worth are what keeps us disconnected in this Ted Talk.
  • Mimi Bouchard
  • Mimi is the Founder and CEO of the Activations App, a digital wellness tool that offers hundreds of ‘activations’ or affirmations of various categories, moods and lengths. In this interview she explains the science behind manifestation and what most of us are getting wrong when we try to make changes in our lives and the mental shifts we can make for successful outcomes in this interview on the Financial Feminist.

Limiting Beliefs

  • Gary Vaynerchuk
  • Gary is an author and CEO, and in this interview on the Liz Moody podcast, he challenges the excuses people make for not chasing their dreams. “You do not have the time to chase your dream in life?” His tough-love, no bullshit angle might be just the thing to nudge you a little closer to taking that first step.
  • Emma Grede
  • Emma is one of the world’s most successful women, and in this interview with Mel Robbins she demonstrates that anything is possible, even when you come from nothing. Her hard work, dedication and grit has gotten her to where she is today, and she has no doubt that if you take the right steps, your can make your dreams come true too.
  • Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa
  • Alexis, host of podcast DYFM (Do You F*cking Mind) delves into the idea of utilizing an alter ego to push past parts of yourself that might be holding you back. Beyonce created alter ego Sasha Fierce for a larger-than life, bolder version of herself that she struggled to embody on stage. If superstars like Beyonce are using tricks like this, then we have no excuse not to implement these hacks until we feel more emboldened to peel away the quieter layers and step fully in to our future versions of selves.
  • Mel Robbins
  • Mel and Tori Dunlap of The Financial Feminist discuss the importance of letting go of the fear that grips us: CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. They extoll that focusing on the possibility of negative fleeting thoughts of old friends, coworkers and even friends and family should not be the thing that stops you from reaching for the things that you love most.
  • Dr. Doty
  • A conversation with the late Neurosurgeon Dr. Doty examines the power of the mind and how we can set our thoughts to move towards desired positive outcomes. He shows how neuroscience supports the strategy of manifestation and cautions the dangers of negative self-talk.

Motivation to Act

  • Atomic Habits
  • James Clear’s book Atomic Habits shows us that our habits are only as good as the systems we put in place.  Biologically we humans are wired to take the path of least resistance, but a few tweaks made with intention can reroute our paths in whatever direction we wish to go. He offers simple and actionable steps to help reduce the barriers to positive change while making bad habits harder to do and less attractive to continue.
atomic habits
  • Steven Bartlett
  • Steven is an author, speaker, entrepreneur and host of the hit podcast ‘Diary of a CEO’, and in this interview he talks about effective decision making and how to make smarter, quicker decisions to continue on a path towards progress. They discuss the advantages of failure and how taking too long to act can be the difference between your success or the success of your competitor.

Priorities and Purpose

  • Die With Zero
  • Bill Perkins takes a controversial viewpoint of wealth in his book Die With Zero where he highlights the value of spending your hard-earned wealth during the most robust years of your life instead of safeguarding for the retirement years. He recounts research that shows that as people age, their regular spending decreases , despite rising costs in healthcare. This decrease in spending is even more pronounced in retirees with more than one million dollars in assets. His book questions the curious strategy we all accept as common sense- scrimp and save your entire life so you can be your wealthiest in the least mobile and adventurous decades of your life.
  • Sahil Bloom
  • Sahil Bloom is the author of the New York Times Bestselling book ‘The 5 Types of Wealth‘ where he examines the idea of wealth beyond numbers in a bank account. In this interview on the Amy Portfield Podcast, he reminds the audience of the uncomfortable reality that our time on this earth is finite, and suggest taking e a look at our lives and make sure that how we spend our time is in true alignment with our values. He leaves us with a question that nudges as at our most intimate thoughts and unfulfilled desires: “If you were the main character in a movie of your life, what would the audience be screaming at you to do right now?”
  • Jordan Grumet
  • Author and Hospice doctor Jordan Grumet teaches us what he has learned from the dying about how to live a regret free life in his book Taking Stock. Having spent years beside the beds of people at the end of their lives, he shares the wisdom he learned from these patients so we can apply this knowledge now and make our best efforts towards meaningful connection and reaching our goals in the years we still have.
  • Ashley Stahl
  • Ashley is an author and career coach, and in this interview discusses the messy topic of ‘finding your passion’ and how we manage the uncomfortable task of finding careers that don’t feel stifling to who we are. She discusses how to pinpoint your skillset and offers advice on the modern day job hunt and how to find roles we find fulfilling. Learn more from her book You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, and Design Your Dream Career.

Finance

  • The Financial Feminist
  • Tori Dunlap’s book The Financial Feminist is an excellent guidebook to help gain control over your finances and improve your mindset around money. By far one of the most impactful parts to me is that the book begins with the psychology of money and how we must first face our beliefs about money. It highlights that without first acknowledging our deep, and sometimes unconscious beliefs about money (money is dirty, rich people are evil, ‘I don’t deserve money’), that we might be blocking the very channels that can lead to increasing our wealth.
  • Lewis Howes
  • Lewis Howes talks about his struggles post sports injury that ended what he had hoped would be a long football career. From staying on his sister’s couch to becoming a world renown podcaster, he outlines actionable steps and the mindset he took on to keep himself going even when things felt hopeless.
  • Jen Sincero
  • Author, speaker and coach Jen Sincero discusses the money mindset and how we can keep ourselves stuck in the limiting beliefs that we neither deserve or are capable of amassing wealth. Her book You Are A Badass was my very first foray into managing my mindset and is a fabulous read, and put me on a great path towards owning my future.

Final Thoughts

As you move into the next year, I hope you give yourself credit for how far you’ve already come. Growth doesn’t always announce itself in real time, and it doesn’t always look the way we expect. Sometimes it shows up quietly—in different decisions, softened beliefs, or a willingness to try something you once avoided.

Keep going. It’s not always easy, but you’re never going to get somewhere if you don’t believe that you can.

Remind yourself that you can—and know that you deserve it.

Keep leveling up. Every single step, no matter how small, is getting you closer to wherever it is you’re trying to go.

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]]> Growth and Limits: What a Tough Workout Taught Me About Discomfort https://carryonbetter.com/how-to-push-your-limits-and-grow-the-role-of-discomfort-in-self-improvement/ Fri, 12 Dec 2025 00:17:57 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=3650 Growth requires constant upkeep, and it can feel like a lot. Sometimes it can feel like too much to manage […]

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]]> Growth requires constant upkeep, and it can feel like a lot.

Sometimes it can feel like too much to manage day after day. But to increase our capacity and improve at anything, we have to push a little further than what we’re comfortable with.

I was reminded of this reality the other day when I joined one of my girlfriends for an exercise class. Within minutes of the class beginning, a wave of realization washed over me: my at-home workouts, diligent as I am with their frequency, have not been challenging.

For the next 60 minutes, I dripped sweat. I repeatedly found myself coming out of poses, my legs shaking uncontrollably under the weight of my own body, until I eventually just had to stand up and shake myself out.

I got back to the workout immediately, but was honestly a bit stunned at my own lack of strength.

By the time the class ended, I had experienced a real awakening. I was forced to admit that I’ve been half-assing my workouts at home. And while I am proud of my consistent routine this past year, I’ve been hitting the snooze button more than I’m comfortable with and wasn’t truly doing workouts that were leveling up my ability.

I’ve rarely been working hard enough to break a sweat. A wipe down with a body wipe has felt enough before changing into clothes for work.

growth mindset personal growth tips how to push your limits self-improvement habits embracing discomfort overcoming limiting beliefs motivation to grow challenge yourself
pexels/chris kim creatives
growth mindset personal growth tips how to push your limits self-improvement habits embracing discomfort overcoming limiting beliefs motivation to grow challenge yourself
pexels/shuraev yaroslav

The truth is: I am capable of pushing myself so much harder than I have been. Without pushing my limits, I’ve been kneecapping my own progress. I’ve been maintaining, sure—but I haven’t been challenging my body in the way that’s required for growth.

“Comfort maintains. Discomfort transforms.”

The Goldilocks Zone of Growth

It is human nature to stay comfortable and avoid discomfort. Our brains are hard-wired to keep us safe, tucked within the realm of the known. The brain hates uncertainty. It loves consistency. Taking on challenge is not something that comes naturally, which is why staying the same becomes the default for so many of us.

This is exactly why people who excel in anything truly stand out—they intentionally push beyond comfort and stretch the boundaries of what they believe they’re capable of.

A bit of discomfort is required to improve any skill. If something is too easy, you won’t learn. If something is way too hard, that won’t help either; you’ll either hurt yourself, or the experience will be so awful you’ll never want to return.

Pushing yourself just beyond your current ability is the only way to get better at anything. It’s a pseudo-Goldilocks method of growth—the sticky space between where you are and where you could be. It has to be doable-ish, and probably a little uncomfortable, but not impossible.

growth mindset personal growth tips how to push your limits self-improvement habits embracing discomfort overcoming limiting beliefs motivation to grow challenge yourself

‘Failure’ Isn’t Failure — It’s Data

Our brains are trying to keep us safe, but that safety can suffocate growth. So how do we continue to develop our skills? Maybe you’ll have a wake-up call like I did in that exercise class. But if I’m being honest, I had known for months that I wasn’t pushing myself.

If you notice this in yourself, try this:

  • Extend your run a few more minutes or increase your pace slightly.
  • Cook the recipe that feels a bit more complicated.
  • Apply for the job that feels out of reach.
  • Ask out the person you’ve convinced yourself is “out of your league.”

We are incredibly good at convincing ourselves that certain things aren’t for us—certain experiences, relationships, even clothing or hobbies. These limiting beliefs box us in, shaping what we think we can and cannot do.

growth mindset personal growth tips how to push your limits self-improvement habits embracing discomfort overcoming limiting beliefs motivation to grow challenge yourself
pexels/juanpphotoandvideo
growth mindset personal growth tips how to push your limits self-improvement habits embracing discomfort overcoming limiting beliefs motivation to grow challenge yourself
pexels/polina zimmerman

But if we shift our mindset even slightly, we widen the door to possibility. Maybe the next level is within reach. We won’t know unless we try. And if we try and don’t get it the first time, then we simply try again.

Some people get lucky and nail things on the first attempt, but those people are the outliers. The rest of us—those who choose to take the shot even when it feels unlikely—end up far closer to the desired outcome than those who never try out of fear of failing.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Final Thoughts

Growth is uncomfortable. Growth can be lonely. But if you keep working at it, testing your boundaries, and putting in the time and effort, you will be amazed at what you can produce.

We are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for. We are mentally and physically stronger than we think, and our capacity to grow is limitless.

Don’t be the one to hold yourself back.

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]]> How to Stop Overthinking Everyday Decisions and Trust Yourself https://carryonbetter.com/how-to-stop-overthinking-everyday-decisions-and-trust-yourself/ Sun, 05 Oct 2025 23:26:43 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=3029 Over analysis and decision fatigue are squelching happiness and slowing us down. I was chatting with a colleague the other […]

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]]>

Over analysis and decision fatigue are squelching happiness and slowing us down.

I was chatting with a colleague the other day and she was sharing how she and her partner had just moved in together. When I asked about furnishing the place, she said they had made some quick purchases at IKEA, but none of it really mattered all that much as they had plans to relocate to New York the following year. 

I was in awe at the simplicity of her logic: This is not permanent, so these decisions don’t really matter. 

As a frequent victim of Analysis Paralysis, regardless how small the decision, it gave me pause and I stopped to ponder just how much time I’ve wasted churning irrelevant decisions in my mind. 

overthinking, overwhelm, analysis paralysis and decision making
Pexels/Mart Productions

Flexibility Helps Focus On What Matters

At 23 years old and having just graduated from college a few months ago, it occurred to me that my colleague’s recent past had demonstrated nothing but change and impermanence that helps keep her life feeling flexible and resilient.  High school, Covid, then college- her last 5 years had been nothing but revisions and adaptations.

Exactly two decades older, I’ve become stodgy and set in my ways, fearing too much change all at once and suspicious of almost everything.  For the last 12 years very little in my immediate life has changed: I’ve lived in the same house, had the same partner, dog, and surrounded mostly by the same group of friends.

I adore my life, and wouldn’t change any of it for the world, but in this moment, I see now that this consistency has knee-capped my capacity for flexibility.  The stability my life has given me has in turn created a world where I am rigidly in my routines and bristle at any suggestion of swerving outside my comfort zones.

Currently I spend hours, even days, researching anything before I make any final decisions.  Curtains for my patio, a new phone case, what hotel to stay in on a next trip out of town. What begins as an earnest excitement to research and find ‘the best’ quickly devolves into decision-making fatigue, often resulting in putting off the task entirely once it stops feeling fun, or a form of impulsive surrender, hastily picking the most recent option I’ve found when I’ve completely run out of steam for the task.

Decision fatigue, overthinking, overwhelm, trust and anaylsis paralysis
Pexels/Tara Winstead

I must stop treating each decision like a permanent, life-altering choice.

The conversation with my colleague was a stark reminder that every decision does not require the gravity with which I handle them. But with so little change in my own day to day life, even the small choices have begun to take up an outsized importance in my mind.

Trust Yourself

The anxiety I experience when met with these decisions is a strange mix of FOMO and seemingly a lack of self trust.  No one wants to miss out on an amazing experience or product, but what I would like to remind myself the next time I am tangled in this self-made decision purgatory is that I will be able to handle whatever happens, even if it turns out that the hotel I chose doesn’t blow my mind or the internet provider isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

I need to trust myself that a) I’m not not considering any options that are unsafe or irresponsible to consider and b) it’s gonna be ok if the choice I made isn’t perfect. I will survive.

The prevalence of ‘Free Returns’ and flexible cancellation policies has further eroded our ability to make decisions and feel confidence in them.  Companies have set things up so we can reverse our choices the majority of the time- or at least have about 30 days to do so.  But this flexibility might be working against us as well.   While it is great to be able to change our minds on some things, perhaps it is more important to recognize that much of decisions have little actual significance.

Type 1 and Type 2 Decisions

Business leaders talk about the difference between Type 1 and 2 decisions and how they should be navigated to best keep things moving forward in an efficient manner.  The ability to distinguish one type from the other is exactly the distinction that I am needing to master as I move through my life- I believe this strategy could be helpful to not feel bogged down by the seemingly endless choices one makes to get through each day.

Overwhelm, overthinking, analysis paralysis and trust
Pexels/Thirdman

Type 1 decisions are the decisions that are seen as a ‘one way’ door- the kind that are irreversible or having very high stakes.  Think selling your company, getting a divorce, having a child. These kinds of decisions have lasting impacts, and should be considered methodically and with adequate time as they are choices whose long term effects are rather unchangeable.

Type 2 decisions are ‘two way’ doors-  these decisions can be reversed if needed.  Examples are trying a new website layout, hiring a housecleaner, starting a side hustle.  The business world harps on the need to make these decisions swiftly to keep moving forward and innovating. 

Getting hung up too long on these types of decisions can slow growth, giving a competitor the advantage as they swoop in and try the damn thing while you’re still there making graphs and holding focus groups to discuss the risks of taking action.

Type 2 decisions, trust, overthinking and analysis paralysis
Pexels/Cottonbro

Evaluate and Act Accordingly

Recognizing the type of decision is key to prevent overthinking. It ensures coming to a conclusion using the appropriate approach, and is crucial in feeling like the right choice has been made in the moment, minimizing the likelihood of regret, and not wasting time that should be spent elsewhere.

The majority of the decisions we make in our lifetime are Type 2 decisions. We will save ourselves from exhaustion, overwhelm and burnout if we manage these decisions with the appropriate amount of energy and thought they require so we can keep powering through our lives and be present as much as possible.

Hindsight is 20/20, and while we may not stand by every decision we will ever make, approaching any decision with added awareness can at the very least offer peace of mind that the best choice was made in the moment with the information available at the time.

That’s the best that we can do most of the time.  And that should be enough to move forward. 

Final Thoughts

My hope is that the conversation with my colleague will stay fresh in my mind as I navigate making endless decisions on the minutiae of my life that keep it chugging along.  I want to remind myself that the vast majority of the decisions I am making are objectively insignificant and should be handled swiftly and without too much thought.  They can be reversed.  They can be modified.  And no matter what, I will be fine.  

I can already feel the overwhelm start to drain.  

Our capitalistic society has created a world where we are inundated with options.  While in many cases we are excited about this, it’s ok to admit that sometimes it can just be too much.  

So next time you’re leafing through the 14-page menu at a Chinese restaurant or melting down over a phone plan, just remember that it’s one meal of thousands that you’ll have in your life or you can always brave customer service if your needs aren’t met, and save that brain space for the big picture decisions that will truly require your time and focus.

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]]> The Art of Self-Acceptance https://carryonbetter.com/the-art-of-self-acceptance/ Sun, 28 Sep 2025 23:26:52 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=2990 I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t miss the collagen in my skin, or the ability […]

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I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t miss the collagen in my skin, or the ability to abuse my body through an entire weekend, only to bounce back, fresh faced and ready for a week of work on a Monday morning. 

The tradeoff for the self-acceptance that has come with the decades, however, has been revolutionary. I wouldn’t take it back for the world- not even for that elastic skin and boundless energy. 

I felt the initial shift when I turned 30.  There was a renewed sense on not giving as many fucks, and it was illuminating.  Let me clarify- I started to give fewer fucks about what other people thought about me- about the judgement they had about me or what I was doing, saying, the decisions I was making.  

I had begun to develop a sense of self that I didn’t have when I was younger.  I began to value my values, and was learning to listen to my own needs even if they flew in the face of other people’s preferences and expectations. 

At 43, I still struggle every day to push past the insecurities that are always bubbling just below the surface.  But when I reflect on how far I’ve come from my teens and twenties, I am so grateful for the trust I have developed in myself that helps me prioritize the things I deem important for my happiness.  

But even still, I talk too much. I have crippling self-doubt and insecurity. I am desperate for external validation. I interrupt people. I get on my soap box on a daily basis. I slip too easily into a scarcity mindset.  I am overbearing and have weird issues with money because of that scarcity mindset. I am codependent. 

These are personality traits that I’m not proud of, but I am at least able to accept and own them now that I am older.  Having the capacity to admit these shortcomings has allowed me to learn strategies to manage these attributes and give myself grace while I learn how to navigate them when they push past the defenses I’ve been so diligent about building. 

This self-acceptance reframes my story in a way that allows me to grow.  Acknowledging these quirks shows me that I am not a flawed human for having these traits, but merely a person with some characteristics that require a little more attention and intention.

We often hold beliefs about who we are and the kinds of qualities we have, so when these less than ideal attributes emerge, we reject them because they don’t fit into the framework of our idea of self.  

It is not sexy to be insecure. It is not admirable to be codependent. And my need for accolades certainly doesn’t match my belief that I am a strong, independent woman.

My younger self was unwilling to admit these unflattering personality quirks, as if not owning up to them made them less real.  But when the same patterns continue to emerge, and we continue to refuse to acknowledge them, they cause rifts- not only within ourselves, but with the people around us. It becomes the elephant in the room- the thing everyone knows but can’t talk about.

This distance can destroys friendships and cleave families.

We all have elements of our personalities that we might not love, or even flat out hate. But when we can face them, even learn to embrace them, it opens up opportunities to rewrite the narrative.

A strange side-effect of owning your weaknesses is sometimes learning they are imagined.  On more than one occasion I’ve shared my hatred for one of my many quirks, only to learn that the very characteristic I’ve criticized about myself is not something others have ever noticed.

It’s fascinating what our minds are capable of persuading us to believe.

While I know in my heart that the friendships I had in my younger years were valid and honest bonds, the value I place in the friendships I have now are undeniable.  I am acutely aware of the qualities I seek out in friends and have no interest in making space or time for people where there is no substance in what we offer one another.  

I have very high standards for the people that surround me, and while I’ve gained a reputation for being ‘cut throat’ in my friendships, I accept that.  It’s not a flattering quality, but I am also not ashamed that I’m known for having no interest in keeping friends where we do not love, value and inspire one another. 

Celebrating our strengths and accepting even our worst tendencies fosters our ability to shift and adapt.  It illuminates the capacity for growth and improvement, the ability to change ourselves and our situations.  

While I’ve not yet learned to love the grey hairs that are cropping up at an ever-increasing speed on my head, I am thankful to be able to vocalize to myself and others when I’m drowning in a spiral of self-doubt or scarcity.  Being able to recognize when I’m slipping into my least favorite traits allows me to throw all my self-care weapons at the situation to help pull me out before I sink too far.  

I am also grateful to be able to laugh at myself with my husband or friends when I’m exhibiting my most frantic and illogical money saving tactics, and alluding to divorce over the cost of fancy butter.  

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]]> ‘I’m Not That Kind of Person’- Flipping the Script on Limiting Beliefs https://carryonbetter.com/im-not-that-kind-of-person/ Tue, 23 Sep 2025 02:40:34 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=2974 For the better part of my adult life, I have admired  women who can wear light colored linen pants and […]

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For the better part of my adult life, I have admired  women who can wear light colored linen pants and white oversized dress shirts.

They appear so classy, so poised.  They look as if they’ve stepped out of Kinfolk magazine and glided effortlessly from their ultra-modern home with drool-worthy floor to ceiling windows.  They look expensive.

I’ve always wished that I could be one of these women in white tops and breezy, flax-colored pants.  But I’ve always declared with self-deprecating humor, that I could never.  I would surely get my period unexpectedly or find myself sitting in the remnants of a melted chocolate bar, looking as if I just couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time.  That, or end up with a vibrant Cheeto-fingered smear across the front, mistaking my pants for a napkin.

If only I wasn’t so reckless.  If only I could be that classy lady with the linen pants.

We create these narratives for ourselves, often dooming us to live within the confines of a reality we’ve engineered in our brains.  To be sure, the color of the clothes I am wearing is not having major impacts on my everyday life, but we can all fall victim to beliefs we hold about ourselves that limit our ability to live lives that feel out of reach to us.  Lives that we clearly, deep down, really want to be living.

How many of us have told ourselves that we aren’t morning people? Or that we are bad with money? Or are terrible artists? That we are uncoordinated, bad drivers, and can’t carry a tune?

These things might all be true, but we talk about these characteristics as if they are unmovable, permanent parts of our lives, when they can be practiced and improved upon. 

One day, I bought myself a pair of beige linen pants. 

And you know what? The pants aren’t pristine.  They have some light stains here and there, because I’m a real person and I eat and drink and sit and lie around.  But they are not covered in large brown stains and I do give my day a second thought before I put them on to make sure that the pants make sense for the day that I’m about to have.  

It’s easy to get trapped into believing certain things about ourselves- either because they are things other people have said about us, or because they are just things we have said about ourselves.  Repetition has a way of worming into our minds and before we know it, we accept these lines as facts.  

Whether true or not, these self held beliefs deserve to be revisited and reviewed for accuracy.  If they are false, let’s do away with them.  And if there are elements of truth, it might be worth assessing whether or not they are beliefs you want to change. 

Are you really someone who cannot wake up earlier a few days a week to fit in some exercise before work? Or is it that you don’t want to?  If you don’t want to make the effort, that is more than fine! But just know that it isn’t because you aren’t the kind of person that can’t.

You absolutely can.  But you have to start.  And once you start doing it, then you are exactly that kind of person.   

One of the most common beliefs that has a major impact on everyday life is the belief that people are ‘bad with money’.  It is far easier (in some ways) to declare you are bad with money, YOLO, and speed through life with fear in your heart with your eyes closed.  

Managing your finances is a skill that can be learned.  It won’t happen overnight, and there might be some sacrifices that need to be made, but ultimately your money habits can change and with some effort, you can learn to be good with money- even great with money.

Limiting beliefs are holding a lot of us back, but we can change that if we are dedicated to shifting the way we think .  The language we use to characterize ourselves has a way of boxing us in, making us believe an engineered truth, and we often don’t even recognize that there is space to challenge these beliefs.

There is.  And you can. 

I’m wearing a white button up and light-colored linen pants today.  I don’t know if I look expensive- probably not- but I do feel classy.  I feel a little fancier than I usually do.  

And it feels really nice. Because I am the kind of person that can wear light colored clothes, because I just started doing it. 

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]]> What If Someone Thinks It’s Great? Rewriting the Script on Self-Doubt https://carryonbetter.com/what-if-someone-thinks-its-great-rewriting-the-script-on-self-doubt/ Sat, 02 Aug 2025 14:43:50 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=2780 Yesterday morning I woke up, plagued by intrusive thoughts and self-doubt. I had slept fitfully, waking in the middle of […]

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Yesterday morning I woke up, plagued by intrusive thoughts and self-doubt.

I had slept fitfully, waking in the middle of the night, tossing and turning for hours as I replayed interactions I had at work while also concocting new and uncomfortable conversations I’d yet to have in my mind. Was there a tenseness in the air today? Did that one person’s laugh seem forced?

Despite knowing I had no control over what was going to happen with my freelance work, and knowing I should stop feeding into the self-doubt that was keeping me awake, I couldn’t stop.  I tried my best to focus on my breathing and clear my mind so I could fall back asleep.  My alarm would be going off in a few hours and I knew that crappy sleep was definitely not going to help with job performance the next day, especially if I was already feeling suddenly insecure about the trajectory of my work life.

I did eventually fall asleep, but when I woke, I was still saturated with a sense of unease. 

Even on my morning walk, I was so zoned out and bogged down by my self-doubty shit that I was unable to shake, that I somehow missed the turn to head back towards home.  

This is a neighborhood I’ve lived in for 12 years, and a walk I’ve been doing almost every day for over a month.  And yet my mind, so consumed by anxiety and skepticism, followed by my own judgement about having the anxiety about my insecurity, rattled me enough to disorient me in my own neighborhood.

I eventually arrived back home and I turned on my Activations app, my ‘woowoo’ motivational tool I’ve been using for months. And  I listened to activation after activation.  On my drive to work, I turned on a podcast about overcoming self-doubt. At lunch, I wrote for a bit, putting fingers to keys, outlining what I was feeling, and my feelings about my feelings, trying to purge the nastiness from my body. 

Any time I began to feel suspicious or unsure throughout the rest of the day, I took a moment to sweep those ideas away. I would take a deep breath and remind myself that being present and doing my best was the best thing that I could do in the moment.

Everything else was out of my control, and being subsumed in my own feelings would be counterproductive.

This morning, I woke up feeling great.  I feel capable again, feeling like anything is possible.  Yet 24 hours ago, the feelings I have now of being limitless, sounded impossibly far away, so hokey and completely out of reach. But I did everything I could to drown out those thoughts, turning on a podcast and hearing about other people’s stories about overcoming their own self-doubt, listening to my app that reminded me over and over that I am worthy and that I have something to offer the world, and sharing, if even just with my computer, the illogical but very real feelings I was having about my state of mind.

I wasn’t sure if it was working, but waking up this morning with a rejuvenated sense of self is enough proof to me that my little tactics had an impact.

The mind is powerful.  It can do so much good, but it also has the power to keep us from everything that we want. My experience in the last day has been an incredible reminder of just how fast we can turn ourselves around.  Maybe 24 hours doesn’t sound that fast, and moods can definitely be flipped far quicker than that for sure, but I was having a rather nefarious bout of doubt about my self-worth and the level of quality that I bring to the world that needed a bit more work than usual.

I will never be cured of my self-doubt, and that’s ok. 

I honestly would have a great distrust of anyone that never had any self-doubt as they might be a sociopath.  But I am thankful that I had an arsenal of tools to throw at my flailing ego, and that I managed to bounce back as fast as I did.  It’s not always going to be that fast, but awareness is the first step, and I’m grateful that I recognized the steps I needed to take immediately instead of sinking into believing my fears, giving them teeth as they nestled deeper into my brain and body.  

Sometimes we gotta fake it till we make it. Countless research studies show that saying things out loud helps make them happen.  Many a morning I have stood in my kitchen, hands on my hips in my power stance, and declared loudly to no one, ‘TODAY IS GONNA BE A GREAT DAY!’, because the day before ended with me crying on a curb because the day had gone so terribly. 

And you know what? Those days did end up being great days. Because I gave them a fighting chance to be, instead of going in thinking ‘Well this is so fucked already and will continue to be fucked!’ I’m not saying this will always work, and I’m certainly not saying that every day will or should be a great day. 

I’m just saying that we have far more control over how things go, or at least how we perceive them to go, than we realize.

It’s important to remember that just as impactful as positive thoughts and feelings can be, negative thoughts and feelings are equally, if not more damaging to oneself.  As I replayed interactions in my head, I gave them more weight, more severity.  Manufacturing negative conversations in my head was doing me no favors, even though in the moment I felt like I was getting myself ready so I could be best prepared for every kind of rejection that might be coming. 

As someone with anxiety, thinking about the worst case scenario and preparing for it has always been something I thought was one of my superpowers. 

I wore it like a badge of honor, believing I was protecting myself and others from the unforeseeable catastrophes that lay in wait.  

I would be lying if I said my anxiety hasn’t been helpful at times- it has certainly served me by way of having a First Aid kit on me most of the time or having purchased insurance on a heating blanket when it inevitably craps out from overuse.  However, the mental rehearsal of rejection or ‘failure’ is doing far more harm than good, and in hindsight has done nothing but prevent me from pursuing interests that might have otherwise fulfilled me.  

Drown the doubt.  Try to replace thoughts of self-doubt with the positive flip side. 

A couple months ago I made myself write down some of my biggest fears about publishing my writing online because I was terrified to do so. 

‘What if people think it’s stupid?’ I wrote.  And then I followed it up with the counter thought: What if someone thinks its great?

Then I began to sob, because I realized that my fear of people finding no value in what I write doesn’t actually matter and was far outweighed by the idea that if even one person got something out of my writing that that was a win.  No one is paying to read my stuff, and I’m not forcing anyone to read it.  If someone doesn’t like it, they can just stop reading.  

When I zoom out and realize that I’ve been moving through life harboring my own disappointments by not going for something I want out of sheer fear of being judged by a stranger, I am beside myself. It’s beyond upsetting, and though I cannot take that time back, all I can do is carry this with me and remind myself every single time I doubt myself and don’t feel worthy to take up space, that I can, and I should.  

I often have to remind myself, out loud, ‘No one cares!’, and not in a way that is supposed to make me feel bad, but as comfort that as long as I am not hurting or disrespecting anyone else, that I can do, say, write whatever I damn well please.  Everyone else is honestly too wrapped up in their own shit, afraid of people judging them, that no one is really taking time to pay attention to anything I’m doing and least of all, to expend any amount of time or energy judging the things I spend time doing. 

And what if they are judging you? Well, fuck them.  Because it doesn’t matter.

If people are going to be judgey, they are gonna be judgey whether you do what you want or not, so you might as well do what you want to do.  Because their judgement says more about them than it does about you.  Talking shit about something you’re doing is just deflection from them not doing what they want to be doing. 

Don’t let other people dim your light, and absolutely don’t be the one keeping you from turning it on in the first place. We can so easily become prisoners of our own minds, convincing ourselves that our ideas and dreams are stupid and not worth chasing.  You’ll get enough pushback from people who are fearful of taking their own chances when you start to go for your dreams, so give yourself and your ambitions a chance and say them out loud, give them life, and cheer yourself on. 

Don’t doubt yourself out of your destiny- you have something unique to offer and it’s frankly unfair to keep it hidden from the world!

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]]> Our Dreams May Come Disguised As Something Unexpected https://carryonbetter.com/our-desires-may-come-disguised-as-something-unexpected/ Sun, 29 Jun 2025 01:32:37 +0000 https://carryonbetter.com/?p=2571 I recently realized a major oversight I made in my life in 2008, and I am humbled by how narrow […]

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I recently realized a major oversight I made in my life in 2008, and I am humbled by how narrow my perception was of the goal I had so desperately wanted to achieve.

It’s funny that it’s taken almost 20 years to see that I actually got exactly what I wanted, but I just didn’t recognize it at the time. The things we desire may not come in the form we expect them.

When I was 28, I left behind my life in Portland with an overstuffed backpack and a one-way ticket to Costa Rica. 

I had been saving money for years to embark on a trip around the world, and although my original travel partner backed out and my then-boyfriend was not interested in the voyage, I was determined to soldier on alone as this had become my life’s goal up to that point.

The intent of this trip was to see what else was out in the world for me. 

I had been in Portland for 5 years and had finished my undergraduate degree and was feeling ready to see what came next.  But by the time the trip was supposed to commence, things had shifted- my best friend was no longer coming and I was in a relationship,  living comfortably with my partner and friends. 

But this was my goal, and since I had at this point not considered any other future, I stuck to it and kept the plan moving forward.

What was I hoping to get out of this journey?

Aside from exploring and the sheer challenge of stepping out on my own, my honest  hope was to get whisked away by a random opportunity.  I had dreams of connecting with someone along my travels,  stumbling upon some serendipitous situation and inspiring a move to some unknown place and getting a job, starting life afresh. 

I was certain there was something else out there, just waiting for me to arrive.  A parallel path, quietly unfolding, lying in wait for the right moment to present itself to me. I fantasized about this moment, or that meeting, that would open the door to the other world and push me to leave behind my Portland life for good, baiting me with an offer that was too good to pass up.

Looking back, I didn’t even know the logistics or legality of this dream at the time.

Can just anyone get a work visa and live and work anywhere? No, especially not for the kind of unspecialized work I was capable of, nor for the countries I was interested in.  

What I can tell you is that I went on the trip, alone.  And it was hard sometimes. Really, really hard.  The moment I left Portland, I realized how good I had it and what a beautiful and unique place it was.  I recall sobbing uncontrollably on the flight. I couldn’t pull myself together. 

My partner and I had broken up technically, because I was leaving without an end in sight to my trip so it didn’t seem logical to stay together.  But the love had still been there, and I was quickly realizing that leaving Portland behind, this life I had been taking for granted,  was far harder than I expected. 

I was fucking terrified as I flew thousands of miles in the opposite direction of everyone I knew.

I backpacked for 9 months.  I spent the time bussing my way through Central and South America, and taking a flight from Panama to Colombia because I hadn’t realized that passing through the Darien gap was basically a death sentence (it is now a popular route for migrants who wish to cross the border but it is still considered extraordinarily dangerous). 

My best friend, the one who was initially supposed to be on the trip with me, got pregnant, and I traveled back to Portland for the birth.   Although I had intended to continue my travels around the world, I found myself more drawn to Portland than ever.  I reconciled the end of my trip by going out and spending one month in Thailand, and then returning back to Portland to resume my life. 

I came home disheartened that I hadn’t had the chance occurrence, the one that would catapult me to my new life abroad.

But I had such a community in Portland that the disappointment didn’t linger too long.  I plugged back into my relationship, my friendships, my life.  The timing wasn’t right, I told myself.  It wasn’t meant to be. 

Here I am, 17 years later,  and I have no regrets about going on that trip, nor am I hung up on not having met this fateful stranger that would change the course of my life.  I have since met my husband, now 12 years into our relationship, changed careers, and live a gloriously boring, rather uneventful yet splendid life that I wouldn’t trade for anything. We walk our dog, travel as much as we can, wash an endless stream of dishes, and are surrounded by the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. 

I’m not sure how it came up, but a few months ago it dawned on me that I actually had met the fateful stranger in my travels, and it has somehow taken me this long to realize it. 

I didn’t recognize it at the time, because the opportunity looked nothing like I had imagined, so I had missed it completely. 

I don’t recall now which city or even country I was in, but I was staying at a surf hostel and I met this Canadian guy who was also staying there.  After getting to know each other,  I learned that he managed a popular bar and restaurant in Vancouver, BC.  

After getting to know him, he offered me a job at his restaurant if I came to BC.  I had worked in bars and restaurants my entire adult life and he really liked my energy and thought I’d be a great fit with the team.  I remember being excited at this prospect, and began researching the city, looking at rental properties and getting a sense of what life would be like in Vancouver.

I quickly learned Vancouver was an expensive city to live in, even in 2008.  Portland was still affordable back then, and rental prices seemed astronomical in comparison. 

I didn’t move to Vancouver to work in his restaurant.

Along my travels, I let him know that I unfortunately would not be taking him up on his generous offer. 

Reflecting back, almost 20 years later, I got exactly what I had wanted- an opportunity to work in a foreign country, building a new life in a new place.  But at the time, I didn’t see it that way because it was not what I had envisioned for this ‘life-changing’ experience abroad.  

I don’t know what my fantasy was, but it turns out that what it wasn’t was working in a restaurant,  in Canada instead of Portland.  

I chuckle at my 28 year old self who had such a narrow view of her dream that she completely missed the opportunity that the world was handing her.  It wasn’t different enough, far enough, maybe ‘important’ enough? I’m guessing that this version of me had aspirations to work at a non-profit in Ecuador, a hostel in Bolivia, or find her calling as a coffee-farmer or attendant at an animal sanctuary.  

Working at a restaurant 500 miles north of Portland did not register on the ‘life-changing experience’ scale.  

But had I taken this man up on his offer and relocated to Vancouver, wouldn’t the entire trajectory of my life have been completely different? Wouldn’t I have built new friendships, established myself in a country outside the US, changing my life in every single way? 

Absolutely.  My life today could be unrecognizable from what it is now.

Hell, I’d be a Canadian citizen at this point. 

I’ve never regretted turning down the move to Vancouver.  But this reflection has made me consider how much I, we,  might be missing because our focus on certain outcomes is too narrow.  I am constantly reminded to ‘see the forest for the trees’ by my husband, as I have a tendency to become laser-focused on the details while missing the beauty of the whole. 

Turns out this has been a problem of mine for decades.  And I’m choosing now not to dwell on all the ways in which I’ve likely endured disappointment in things that might have actually been wins that I just failed to see. 

I can’t go back and shake my younger self,  nudge her and whisper to her that her dreams actually did come true.  I can’t tell her that ultimately it’s up to her whether she pushes past the fear of a more expensive city and make the move to Canada, even though the job and the location doesn’t look quite like she imagined.

What I can do is try my best to hold onto this moment of clarity, and expand my perception of the outcomes I am willing to accept.  Things don’t have to be so black and white, yes or no, goal achieved vs. failure. PERFECTION. 

The answers might be a little fuzzy around the edges, maybe all the details aren’t right, but the important ones are spot-on.  

I just want to remember this when I find myself getting hung up on the details, when I’m tempted to reject something because it doesn’t match the picture in my head.  I am only capable of imagining what I know or have ever seen, and that in itself, is limiting.  I want to stay open to all the possibilities that exist, including the ones I haven’t yet had, felt, or even imagined to dream about. 

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